Stop taking sedative

After taking this medicine for almost three years, I stopped taking it. It is not an antidepressant. It is a sedative.

I had tried to stop taking sedative few months ago, before I restart taking antidepressant. I was trying to arrange lifestyle that helps me with falling asleep without sedative. However, I couldn’t complete the list of things I meant to do, then I started to figure out that my depression was getting worse and restarted taking antidepressant. So my first challenge to stop sedative was failed.

There was not urgent reason to stop sedative. I just wanted to move one step forward. Now I look back, and I can say that I may have wanted to stop it because I felt that improvement of my depression has stuck and I forced myself to create another fake sign of improvement. So that’s not surprising that it was failed.

Honestly, I was more worried about stoping sedative than antidepressant. For antidepressant, my doctor monitored me long enough before I stopped antidepressant, and every time my medication decreases, I wasn’t expecting that. But I could halve antidepressant, and I could stop antidepressant. I felt some wired sensation for about a week after I stopped taking it, but it was somehow expected. I knew that it is common symptom, so I could just slow down my life a bit, and I handled it.

But, for sedative, I was afraid to stop taking it, as my depression is strongly related to sleep deprivation. Lack of sleep was trigger of two major episode of my depression, so, in a way, I felt that I would be fine if I can sleep enough to keep my mood.

The sedative has been what made me feel that I can sleep every night. The sedative has been how I end each day and how I start the next day after decent amount of sleep. As far as I can spend the whole day with some activity, I could feel I was okay.

If you think lifestyle is the foundation to cure depression, antidepressant was what targeted the apparent symptom and sedative was what supported the foundation. So I was more worried about losing the support for the basis.

When I was more depressed, this sedative was a way to peacefully finish each day. Basically, all the moment I was awake was depressed time, so that’s when I waited the end of the day. As I could end each day, I could survive until the next day, and start the next day knowing that this depressing day would end thanks to this sedative.

Thanks to my psychiatrist, the sedative I was taking, called Lunesta, is less habit-forming, and I feel that by myself. I am not saying I am taking best sleep ever. I am not falling asleep as quickly as with the sedative. But I could sleep at decent time without the sedative.

In addition to overcoming above-stated emotional attachment to the medicine, I have another reason to feel optimistic. I have stopped antidepressant before, while I started again, but I haven’t stopped sedative since this episode of depression has started. Now I stopped taking sedative. These are only two medicines I am taking.

I know how it feels like to stop taking antidepressant, and I know that I can stop taking antidepressant by following certain process. Now I know how it feels like to stop taking sedative, and it seems fine so far. Therefore, I can stop all the medication sometime in a future!

I know the reality is not such logical and simple. But it gives me a bit more hope for this life with depression. I often feel that this fight against depression will never end. But, by making these small progresses and finding a way to believe them, I can sustain some hope in my mind. My way may be a bit more complicated or too logical, but it sounds like mine. How about yours? I guess there are some ways for anybody, and I hope you can find one for you soon.

Do what I can continue

I am trying to change something recently. It is a positive sign for me, as I wouldn’t have energy to change anything if I am deeply depressed.

Everybody wants to change something, I guess. Some may want to increase income, some may want to improve relationship, and some may want to live in  a better place. People suffering from depression may want to change things especially stronger in a way, simply to convert stressful and pessimistic time into peaceful and hopeful time, while the strong emotion is rarely connected to actions.

At the same time, it is not easy for anybody to change things. That’s probably why “Change” is such a symbolic word to be used. If it’s easy, making changes are not such a dramatic transition of the life.

I am not good at changing things, some from my own personality and some from my illness. It feels that I have two voices in my head: encouraging me to change it, and making me afraid of the change. I guess it is normal to a certain extent. But, as everyone may feel, I also don’t like such contradiction in my mind, and I am feeling it as a person who is trying to change something right now.

Fortunately, I could notice one thing today. Change is a long and continuous process. I often end up thinking that I need to make a change between today and tomorrow. But the actual change should be made between today and the rest of my life, if I really want to continue the “changed state” after the one event of change.

Therefore, I cannot change things if it doesn’t continue. I can suddenly run for a long distance tomorrow, but I will be struggling with sore legs and feet at the day after tomorrow, and that would be it.

In the other word, I can change things as far as I find a way to continue it. Some people call it “Importance of Sustainability, and some people call it “Power of Habit”.

I probably needed to calm down, stop pushing myself, and organize my change in a way that I can continue. I shouldn’t lose the momentum, but it doesn’t make sense if I just blow it up and nothing remains after that.

Life may be short, and life is too short to waste it by feeling rushed. Slowly but steadily, I would like to proceed and make this change.

Is medication driving me?

After my medication started to be effective last week, my condition has been quite stable. I sometimes feel tired, but I hardly feel sad or deeply depressed. I rather feel that I have too much energy to use it properly.

I regard that I feel better thanks to medication. In the other words, I feel I am functioning because I am taking this medication, not because anything has improved. Now that’s what bothers me. I don’t have problem finding another issues around me, which sounds like a proof that I am still suffering from depression. Anyway, I am not complaining that I feel better than last week. I simply appreciate that.

The medication I am taking is Lexapro. This medicine may not be very cheap, but my dosage doesn’t cost a lot. I’ve heard that this medicine is newer one among SSRI, and this is less addictive. So I’m not very afraid of taking this medicine. I’ve stopped taking this under my psychiatrist’s supervision, and it took about a week to stop feeling some withdrawal effects. I felt some dizziness and some weird sensation, while it wasn’t too severe to stop doing what I usually did.

Now, as I just discussed with my psychiatrist, I can choose if I take one pill or half pill each day. If the medication feels too strong, I am allowed to split the pill in half, and just take half.

I appreciate that he let me decide things like that, which makes me feel that he trusts my decision. But I need to think if I am simply driven by the medication, or I can reduce it.

Do I have energy to type this blog with half medication? Do I have enough appetite to eat adequate food with half medication? Do I feel motivated to do certain things with half medication? Do I feel okay with half medication?

I guess this is another opportunity to learn myself. Since my current episode of depression started, I think if I am fine today or not, basically everyday. In a way, I used to it. I hope I can handle it well.

Self-assigned work and hobby

Recovery process of depression is not quick, and that’s why I think it is important to understand which position I am at, and to take some actions accordingly.

I am not confident with making a promise with somebody, as I am still afraid that I cannot complete what I say I will. Before I started suffering from depression, I would cut my sleep or drink coffee and tried to finish it at any cost, but I am not comfortable with doing it right now. I need to sleep, and this illness possibly has told me that it was not sustainable. So far, I just need some kind of rehab to trust myself again.

Looking back the first year of my current episode of depression, I was assigning some “work”. That wasn’t my intention at that time, and I just tried to do what I felt some motivation to do. I went to a national diet library, and summarized a book I wanted to read through. I started learning languages that somehow attracted my interest. These things didn’t last for long time, and I didn’t pursue as much as I learned something useful. But I set a small goal type thing, did something, and finished them in a way.

So I am doing a similar thing. Last few days, I mainly used my time for making a list of information and a plan for a self-assigned project. It still makes me wonder why I am doing this, but it is something I wanted to do at least. It took more time than I expected, but I would like to praise me for what I did, instead of just worrying about my current life and future.

Similarly, as far as I know, some people do similar things through their hobby. Hobbies are generally what motivate them to do. Hobbies are fun. Hobbies remind us of pleasant feelings. So I think it is not a bad idea to do some activities related to hobbies.

However, it doesn’t seem useful for me, unfortunately.  The main reason must be that I don’t really have an established hobby. I was, and I still believe I am, interested in many things. I like music and I used to play guitar and base with my friends. I like sports, and I have played basketball, American football, volleyball, futsal, softball, wall climbing, etc. I also like watching sports. Some people think I can draw well. My problem is that nothing became “the hobby”, while there are many potential choices.

Another reason that hobbies don’t work with me is guilty feelings. I hope I can go back to be a life that I am useful for people, society, and myself. Doing my hobby doesn’t feel right from that perspective, while it is intended for recovery. This must be one of the wrong perceptions I have.

Life may be short, but I shouldn’t feel rushed. Slow and steady wins the race, I would like to believe that. Something may helps me, while it seems less important at that time.

I don’t let my life go somewhere wrong. I would not give up my life.

Feels like a bird in a cage

This weekend was better than last weekend, when I was almost at the bottom of the mood. However, it has been days that I feel weird sensations.

Symptoms of depression is not singular. As far as I know, some feels low energy, some feels tired, some feels not motivated, and some feels sleepy. I guess most of people with depression feel at least one of these, especially when their condition is not good, and some feels all of these symptoms at the same time. My condition of this weekend made me consider combination of these symptoms.

I had (high / middle / low) energy, I was probably (tired / not tired), I was (motivated / not motivated) to do things, and (sleepy / not sleepy).

So I couldn’t do a lot of things, while I feel more energy than last week and I feel pretty awake. That was not a pleasant feeling.

If it was low in energy, tired, not motivated, and sleepy, then I would be sleeping. That’s not a good condition, but it’s simple and it makes sense. My body and mind need rest.

My current situation may be closer to a bird in a cage. A part of me is trying to fly away to take “my life” back. Another part of me is trying to hold myself back to stay in this cage.

I should not be surprised at such weird sensation after my certain length of experience with depression. I am trying to remember how I spent my days just after I started my treatment for clinical depression. It’s not easy. My brain may be trying to forget my negative feelings. My brain may be in a situation where it couldn’t remember a lot of things.

I just want to remember how I let go my bird before in a way. Well, obviously, the bird is back in this cage now, so the bird wasn’t really set free. Still, the bird was more free at one point.

I probably need a list of things to do when I feel low, to handle  my situation better, while I don’t like to think “I need to do something”. Even when I am depressed, I can think what I should do or what I need to do. What’s missing is what I want to do, or what drives me strongly.

I just want to remember, or figure out, how to let go my bird again.

Fortunate to have medicine

10 days after I restart my medication, I can see some improvement of my mood. My appetite is getting close to normal, I can leave home before noon, and I can keep concentration for certain amount of time.

Of course, it’s far from fully cured condition. I still have some hard time in the morning. I see some weird realistic dream, and I spend some half-asleep exhausting time. My current breakfast is as half as I used to eat. However, I didn’t imagine I could feel better like I am. I wanted to tell myself 10 days ago that I should wait only 10 days.

One clear reason of my improvement is medication. I cannot deny it. I should appreciate how lucky I am that I have a medicine that works to me. I didn’t have to struggle from switching medicines and dealing with side effect. I should appreciate that I wasn’t born 20 years earlier than I was. I didn’t have the medicine I am taking, and I could have only less sophisticated treatments.

Some medicine has bad side effect, and some are even harmful. I understand that all the medicine is basically a type of poison for our body, which our liver has to break down. But, when I actually helped by medicine, I feel fortunate that some scientists have developed this medicine.

I shouldn’t forget that this is not the goal. I feel better thanks to medicine. Medicine is stopping the symptom, but depression is still hidden in my mind.

In my understanding, medicine gives me time to figure out how to deal with my depression, and how to handle all the social situations that are relevant to my depression. Medicine is just temporal energy. As I needed to restart medication, it means I couldn’t use this temporal energy as effectively as I should. I hope I can find a better way to use this energy and time.

Movies, depression, memorable scenes

When I feel depressed, watching movies is a way to feel a bit hopeful. It stops my ruminative thoughts, it kills my low mood time, and it often gives me some positive message. (Dancer In The Dark is an exception…)

Movies I watched recently are:

• Little Miss Sunshine
• The Perks of Being a Wallflower
• It’s Kind of a Funny Story
• Me and Earl and the Dying Girl
• Reprise
• Ex Machina
• The Danish Girl
• The Internet’s Own Boy: The Story of Aaron Swartz (Not a movie, but a documentary)

You may think I am only watching movies with depression, or depressing movies. I don’t deny that. I am seeking for different ways to understand depression.

Some people may think that I shouldn’t watch such movies, but these movies don’t make me depressed. I should have avoided Ex Machina because of one bloody scene. I don’t recommend that movie to those who tend to self-harm. I think some other movies are not good for them either, such as The Perks of Being a Wallflower or It’s Kind of a Funny Story, as it indicates wrist cutting.

From these movies, some scenes are quite memorable. I would like to mention three scenes from the movies above.

From Little Miss Sunshine, the scene at the ocean with Paul Dano and Steve Carrell is quite encouraging, and it became screenshot of my phone. This may be too famous, but I liked it as well.

From The Perks of Being a Wallflower, I liked the scene that Logan Lerman and Emma Watson regain their friendship after he saved Ezra Miller from a fight. It’s not relevant to depression, but he says “Can we be friends again?” It reminded me of some friends who I couldn’t keep in touch since I started suffering from depression, and I would need this phrase as well.

From Reprise, I would like to introduce one of the most realistic and unforgettable scene as a person with mental illness. The main character played by Anders Danielsen Lie leaves the hospital and visits a quay with his friends. He can have fun again with his friends, and he pushes his friends and dives into water together. It’s such a joyful moment. But, just after that, he realizes that the moment is only happening in his mind. His body doesn’t move as it did before, and he cannot express and share such emotion with his friends. He just imagines it, wishes that he can do that, but he actually can’t. 

I feel very close sensation with this scene. I can imagine myself that can talk with people and have fun, but I cannot actually do that. I can imagine myself that can laugh with others, but I can’t. I guess this is not only for those with mental illness. I remember my introversion made me feel in the same way since I was a kid. But, when I am more sensitive than before, such a gap between what I hope I can do and what I can actually do bothers me way more than before.

So I often remember this scene. In a way, this scene helps me in terms that I am not the only one who feels that way. As a movie, I am not saying this is the best movie I’ve seen, but this movie became a movie I probably won’t forget.

From what I wrote above, you may feel that I regret watching some movies. But, I still like movies, and I still think that movies help me with feeling better. As one with depression, my perspective can be easily limited to a certain way, but movies can offer me another one.

P.S. As I write this post, I found some pages of BuzzFeed that featured movies and depression. I put links of these pages here, as some readers may get interested in them.

• 47 Movies That Helped People Cope During Their Depression

• 16 Film Moments That Helped People Through Their Depression

• What Film Or TV Moment Has Really Helped You Through Depression?

Afraid of doing everything I can

To get better, I would like to do everything I can do and everything that may work as antidepressant. That’s what I feel. In a way, that’s what I feel I have to feel, while I am trying to avoid such sense of obligation.

One thing I can do is doing some exercise. I can walk to the second closest train station, and I do that basically everyday. It makes me sweaty in summer, and it is hard to start when I feel lazy, but the power of habit is helping me to keep doing it. It’s about 25 min, 3000 steps. Desirably, I should walk a bit faster, to keep higher heart rate, but still I believe it’s better than taking a bus or just lying down on bed.

Another thing I can do is getting sunlight in the morning. It is supposed to help sleep at night, while I often feel that being under sunlight makes me feel tired. Actually, I am taking a sleeping pill to sleep at a certain time, so I don’t feel that I need to stick to this for now. This is a step I need to take when I try to stop that sleeping pill.

What I recently started is taking EPA. EPA is a type of fish oil, often referred as omega-3 fatty acid. I’ve heard that this fish oil helps the effect of antidepressant, and it also works as antidepressant. Fortunately, I can get a package of EPA at a drugstore, and it offers me enough dosage for a month. I’ve tried this before, but I couldn’t keep taking it. Now I have started when I restarted my antidepressant, and I am still taking it.

There must be more things I can do in addition to taking antidepressant, to beat depression. There is another one that I am trying to do, but I didn’t. I hope I can write here about it when I actually made it.

Doing everything sounds really diligent, and it sounds like a mindset of people who tend to suffer from depression due to our perfectionist trait. So I am not sure if I should appreciate that I am feeling this way.

Another thing comes up in my mind is some anxiety. If I actually do EVERYTHING and it didn’t work, what can I do after that? Is there any option left after everything? Probably not. If I use my mind properly and realistically, such an idea shouldn’t bother me. But, when I am worried that people around me feels I am just being lazy, I feel I should do everything to take care of my own depression.

As far as I know, such a small thing bothers me when I am depressed. But, I think that I can never do everything and that’s fine. I do what I can, and I don’t need to let others judge me with that. I am not trying to do everything for them, but for myself. I just want to feel some joy of my life, again.

Drowsy afternoon

Posting on this blog is my current daily goal, so I am glad that I could keep doing this so far. But, I can do this because I am doing this at night.

One typical thing I know about depression is that low mood in the morning improves a bit at night. It applies to me, too. However good I feel at night, the same low mood comes back in the morning, and it makes me wonder if my condition is improving or not.

Today, I could get out of my bed earlier than yesterday. Of course, it is still later than most of normal people, but I shouldn’t compare myself with them. If I do, I compare myself with my previous condition. That’s one thing I have learned during my treatment process.

Actually, I wanted to leave my room because my neighbors were a bit noisy. They enjoyed this holiday in Japan, Marine Day. There is no problem with them enjoying their holiday, but I just don’t like feeling some people constantly outside of the room, especially when I feel my depression is severe. I couldn’t close windows at the room of 30 degrees celsius, and I was not comfortable with making our electricity bill higher with constant air conditioning. I hope I can go back to the happy side of my life.

I somehow escaped my room, and walked for about 25 min. Walking is one thing I can do right now as a moderate exercise, in addition to waiting for effect of my medication. I’m soaked in sweat, and got a bottle of “Salty Lychee” drink, which is one of the most popular drink you can buy at stores in Japan for summertime, at least for last five years. Then, I took a train for two stops, and seated in a cafe with comfy seat.

At the comfy seat, I spent about 1.5 hours of drowsy time. I couldn’t keep awake. I couldn’t even play with my smartphone. Indeed, when I feel really depressed, even smartphone feels too stimulating. I couldn’t put my earphone for the same reason. Either from depression or from my medication, I was sleeping. I am glad I didn’t get kicked out of the cafe, while I know that I am not the only person who enjoy their comfy seat too much.

Thanks to some sleep, improvement of my condition, or just getting later, I feel better now. I don’t need to worry about falling asleep during typing.

When I can use my full day, it would be a sign of improvement of my condition. Until then, I need to figure out where I can stay and do something without feeling guilty and falling asleep. I hope my full day will come back soon.

Both effects of medication

When medication is not working well, I beg from the bottom of my heart, “please make it work as soon as possible, otherwise I am dying.” But, when medication started to work, I wonder if I should simply appreciate its effect.

Today was that day. Thanks to medication, my brain started to stop accusing me of being depressed. Thanks to medication, my brain started to stop thinking all the negative things that will happen to me. These are what I wanted until yesterday. I could feel some peace in my mind, fortunately.

But, I couldn’t feel much energy, either. I didn’t have energy to beat myself up, but I didn’t have energy to get up and do something helpful. I was lying on the bed, waited, waited, and started what I needed to do for today. I did some, got exhausted, went back to bed, took some rest, and restarted it. Luckily, I could finish it, and I could praise me for that.

It may not sound an exciting day, but it should be a very good day in a process of getting better. I just hope this will last for a while.

In my opinion, the primary reason that we need medication is to keep us away from hurting us, and to keep us alive, until we regain our ability to handle the existing situation and reorganize it. In that way, I expect these effects of medication: making me stop hurting me, and calming me down. But, at the same time, the second effect made me lazier, while I can’t do anything worthwhile when I am obsessed with accusing myself.

The feeling of calm from medication is nothing I’ve experienced before I started taking such medication. It made me want to keep lying in a bed, but it doesn’t make me sleepy. I didn’t want to do anything, but it doesn’t make me feel peaceful. It is different from sleeping until noon at your day off.

It may sound I am complaining, but I don’t mean to. Probably, I am just worried that these effects of medication don’t appear tomorrow. I just hope medication works and keeps working.