Sleep through a depressing weekend

Among days in a week, it’s harder for me to keep my mood positive on Saturdays and Sundays.

One of the main reasons is that places are crowded during weekends. During weekdays, more people are working in their offices or factories etc., and places like cafe and library are less crowded. I can still visit these places, but I tend to stay each place longer, so I hesitate to stay at a cafe I always go. I don’t want to bother their business, and I don’t want them to hate me because of that.

Another reason is that my wife leaves home earlier in the morning. I was left alone in a room, and it may not be always bad. But, I have nobody to interact, and it doesn’t help me with starting my day. I can stay as long as I want, while it makes me feel guilty.

Today, Saturday, I didn’t feel very good. I expected it, and I actually tried to get a verbal permission from my wife that I can stay home today. Thanks to my antidepressant, I can wake up earlier than when I am not taking it. But, when I feel too depressed, waking up earlier means that a day will be longer, and that’s one of the worst thing in a way. I need to handle longer time in a low mood without doing anything harmful.

So, I ended up sleeping again. It isn’t always the bad choice, while I don’t feel I have options to choose from. It could shorten my depressed time to be awake, and somehow it felt pleasant when I woke up again. The happy moment didn’t last long, but it was helpful. I just hope it doesn’t disturb my sleep tonight, while I have sleeping pills that I was prescribed from my doctor.

Now I am at the cafe I always come to. I could complete my minimum goal of the day, which was sending some postcards. I also did some dishes. And I can imagine that I will finish my day without any big problem. That may seem like a kid’s diary, but these small things are important when I am in such a low mood. That’s what I learned through my time with depression.

It is still hard to live days in such feeling, but I know that I could overcome such depressing time once up to the point that I could stop taking medication. I could do that once, so I believe I can do that again. That’s how I encourage myself now.

Losing appetite

I restarted my medication five days ago, but I am not sure if it started to be effective. I may be as depressed as I was in November 2013. I didn’t expect that I feel this again, but I guess it was surprisingly optimistic, while I always felt I am more pessimistic than before. However, I am sure I didn’t have energy to write a blog post at that time. So I try to think that this situation is not as bad as I have just thought.

Days with depression are not offering good topics every day. I guess those with experience of depression would agree with me. But, trying to focus on small good things can be a step to get better.

Last few days, I had much less appetite. It was hard to eat a small bowl of cereal. It was hard to eat two pieces of cookies. Eating food has been a way to release my stress, so it feels really strange, and I feel very uncomfortable that one method was taken away.

Obviously, it doesn’t mean my body doesn’t need any food. My body needs certain calories and certain nutrition. I felt that my stomach is empty and makes some noise to show it’s empty, but my brain doesn’t tell me to eat something. It feels like there is an empty glass below a faucet, but nobody opens it to fill it.

Fortunately, I have started to manage to eat something. The amount is not like a full size meal, but it can be more than just a snack. However, I hesitate to eat something outside as I don’t want to waste some food. I really don’t like leaving some food. I was brought up as I should finish the last piece of rice. I know some Japanese people say that every piece of rice has its own god. I am not that religious, but it may be what animism tells you.

Anyway, until last week, I could go into any cheap restaurant, and eat something like rice bowl, soba, ramen, udon, burgers, etc. I don’t have energy to cook my own dinner most of the time, these restaurants were quite helpful. I hope it doesn’t take long until I can use these places again.

Weekend is more depressing for me than weekly day. I’m a bit scared to wake in the morning of Saturday. I hope I can spend relatively peaceful two days.

Restart my medication

I decided to start this blog quite a while ago, and it took me some time to actually start it. This may show something about what’s going on with me, which is clinical depression. A few days ago, I had to restart my antidepressant. That’s why I could actually start this blog.

Of course, it was not a pleasant moment. Looking back, since I was diagnosed as clinical depression, I can say it was a slow but smooth process. It took time, but my medication was decreased, then stopped. I could discover a new job that I can do without going to an office, on my computer, and by myself. I didn’t appreciate as much as I should have, but it may seem okay.

To be honest, I could feel that my condition was stepping back. I couldn’t feel as much good feeling when I finished each project. I started eating less and my weight has decreased. I sometimes spent my days like two years ago. I felt there was no where for me to go. I felt nobody cared about me except my dear wife. At a cafe I often go, I felt its staff started hating me, and I didn’t want to go there.

When I list these things, it is clear that I need something to stop these retreat. But, I initially refused to restart the medication. I left my psychiatrist room, with some foggy feeling in my mind, accepted my prescription with additional medication, went to a pharmacy, paid for the medication, and I went back to talk to the psychiatrist. I insisted that I would decide if I restart this medication.

Consequently, I started the medication from that night, as he prescribed to me. I was thinking about when to start it, and I found these reasons to determine my condition was getting worse. I felt it was necessary to complain about it. Not to refuse taking medication, but to confirm that I would take the initiative. Not to the psychiatrist, but to myself.

I didn’t regret starting to take medication again. I’m glad that he, or we, could notice that I needed some help few days ago.